The Fog of Suburbia

Austin TX

I was in the Austin bedroom community of Belterra this weekend, visiting my new nephew, Noah.  He was born two weeks ago, and Im still too scared to hold him for long.  His skin is like paper, and his head is too wobbly and freaks me out.  But there are lots of people to look out for him, and care for him and love him... he's well protected.  His wobbly head will never lack for support

My sisters have now both moved to this little subdivision of McMansions to help support each other as they grow their families, one baby at a time.  Mom isnt far down the street either.  The whole family has relocated itself to this area and are multiplying... fast.  

I used to have an allergic reaction to these types of suburbs.  I hated what they stood for, how I felt when I was in one, the people that moved to these places.  everything....  But not anymore.  Now, in someways, I get it.  My sisters have alot in this little subdivision.  Safety for their kids.  Ease of lifestyle that affords them the time to focus on more important things.  And a community that they can rely on.  

All that is actually appealing in some ways.  Maybe because it's not my life.  And there is a part of me now that longs for that.  Maybe just because Im getting older and going through a divorce.  Thats probably a big part of it.  But I also think it's the fog of suburbia.  It's a promise that I know could never fulfill itself.  

And in my more functional moments, being in this environment also allows me to really emotionally tap into everything that I have.  And how totally amazing it is.  I mean, I have a pretty fantastic family (all things considered), with beautiful kids, and so much love and happiness.  And on top of it, I have the possibility of doing things that very few ever have the possibility to do.  Not only for myself, but for others.  I have alot of freedom to do alot of great things.  And the older I get, the more I realize how special and rare that can be.  

 

But when I am sad, what it really all boils down to, is that feeling of not belonging.  But in my own way, I am a part of the family.  It may not look like the rest of the family, but they don't care.  Maybe, actually, they are glad. Maybe, actually, I am kind of glad, too.   They have someone there to shake things up a little.  Keep it interesting.  And keep it from getting too small, too gated.  

This photo, by the way, is of my beautiful niece Ella, in front of her home on a foggy sunday morning.  Ella likes flowers, changing outfits, and vestibular stimulation (airplane rides and swing sets!).  I love her. The bottom picture is of her beautiful mother, whom she takes after.